Insecurities Part 1

When people don't know me, they think I'm a very serious person. Some people mistake me as mean just because I have a serious look on my face when I'm concentrating. One of the things that I don't like is when people narrate my life; but I mean that  very specifically. When I'm unsure of how to act in front of people I don't know, I tend to be very quiet and shy. Once I become comfortable around those people I definitely start to branch out and turn into my normal, loud, crazy self. And then the comment comes: "Wow Jasmine, you're really crazy." or "Wow, you're mean."

I can be sarcastic. I know that. I know that I tend to sound serious all of the time but I am not. I am joking 110% of the time that I am speaking; unless I say the words serious or seriously. 

I guess my problem is that I don't always know how to turn the filter off. So now; I'm mean. I'm rude. And this is told to me seriously. 

Great.

The only thing I can do is apologize. I pray that God tells me what the point of the conversation was or at least allows me to stop feeling so hurt behind the statement.

I know I sound mean sometimes but I know that I'm not supposed to be everybodies friend. At this moment in my life, I'm going to be real and say that I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and frankly I want it to be in my long-term, faded memory or otherwise forgotten; because in my spiritual immaturity, I know that I am not mature enough to make this right. I also know that my own personal opinion about this matter is a lot more ignorant than I'm making it sound right now.

When I know where this is going. I will forever hold it dear as another piece of my story that God has revealed to me. Until then, I'm just going to pray against holding a grudge against this person (the reason? making me feel bad about myself... She has some nerve. (sarcasm.))

Text my dad sent me: (If only I could tattoo this onto my forehead.)
"Grace is positive and unconditional acceptance in spite of the other person. Grace is a demonstration of love that is undeserved, unearned, and definitely not repayable... That's the way grace is. Grace is not picky. Grace does not look for things that have been done to deserve love. Grace operates apart from the response or the ability of the individual. Grace is God giving Himself in full acceptance to someone who does not deserve it and can never earn it/will never able able to pay for it. Praise God for his Grace!"

Today is a New Day

When I am greatly discouraged and the enemy tries to manipulate my mind, I tend to try to take matters into my own hands. I can't do that anymore. Doing things on my own only lead to endless failure and heartache. It's time to put up or shut up... Go hard or go home. My one and only option is to go hard.

Today is a new day and I vow to keep this promise:


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,


 "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you


    a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Money.

Money is the root of all evil? Then why can't we destroy money? Honestly, I'm so tired of being poor, it's not even funny. I know that college students generally are tight on money, but what takes the cake is when my own university doesn't think I belong because I don't come from a prestigious upper-class family; everything I own is breaking and irreplaceable; and I can't move on in life because of various activities that require money.

I really want a solid answer as to why I was burdened with so many curses. Visible ones. Everyone has their own problems, yes. But mine are so visible and embarrassing it's ridiculous. When does it end? Will there ever be a time where I can actually pay for my necessities as well as be able to make extra important purchases without worrying about my expenses? I mean seriously, are wealthy people true Christians? Are people who have the things that I believe that I need (even though I know I don't) true Christians? Am I the only person out there who is completely fed up with money?

I don't know how much more of this nonsense I can take.
Sometimes being homeless seems like the only option to expanding my savings account.