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The New Essence


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Insecurities Part 1

When people don't know me, they think I'm a very serious person. Some people mistake me as mean just because I have a serious look on my face when I'm concentrating. One of the things that I don't like is when people narrate my life; but I mean that  very specifically. When I'm unsure of how to act in front of people I don't know, I tend to be very quiet and shy. Once I become comfortable around those people I definitely start to branch out and turn into my normal, loud, crazy self. And then the comment comes: "Wow Jasmine, you're really crazy." or "Wow, you're mean."

I can be sarcastic. I know that. I know that I tend to sound serious all of the time but I am not. I am joking 110% of the time that I am speaking; unless I say the words serious or seriously. 

I guess my problem is that I don't always know how to turn the filter off. So now; I'm mean. I'm rude. And this is told to me seriously. 

Great.

The only thing I can do is apologize. I pray that God tells me what the point of the conversation was or at least allows me to stop feeling so hurt behind the statement.

I know I sound mean sometimes but I know that I'm not supposed to be everybodies friend. At this moment in my life, I'm going to be real and say that I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and frankly I want it to be in my long-term, faded memory or otherwise forgotten; because in my spiritual immaturity, I know that I am not mature enough to make this right. I also know that my own personal opinion about this matter is a lot more ignorant than I'm making it sound right now.

When I know where this is going. I will forever hold it dear as another piece of my story that God has revealed to me. Until then, I'm just going to pray against holding a grudge against this person (the reason? making me feel bad about myself... She has some nerve. (sarcasm.))

Text my dad sent me: (If only I could tattoo this onto my forehead.)
"Grace is positive and unconditional acceptance in spite of the other person. Grace is a demonstration of love that is undeserved, unearned, and definitely not repayable... That's the way grace is. Grace is not picky. Grace does not look for things that have been done to deserve love. Grace operates apart from the response or the ability of the individual. Grace is God giving Himself in full acceptance to someone who does not deserve it and can never earn it/will never able able to pay for it. Praise God for his Grace!"

Today is a New Day

When I am greatly discouraged and the enemy tries to manipulate my mind, I tend to try to take matters into my own hands. I can't do that anymore. Doing things on my own only lead to endless failure and heartache. It's time to put up or shut up... Go hard or go home. My one and only option is to go hard.

Today is a new day and I vow to keep this promise:


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,


 "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you


    a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Money.

Money is the root of all evil? Then why can't we destroy money? Honestly, I'm so tired of being poor, it's not even funny. I know that college students generally are tight on money, but what takes the cake is when my own university doesn't think I belong because I don't come from a prestigious upper-class family; everything I own is breaking and irreplaceable; and I can't move on in life because of various activities that require money.

I really want a solid answer as to why I was burdened with so many curses. Visible ones. Everyone has their own problems, yes. But mine are so visible and embarrassing it's ridiculous. When does it end? Will there ever be a time where I can actually pay for my necessities as well as be able to make extra important purchases without worrying about my expenses? I mean seriously, are wealthy people true Christians? Are people who have the things that I believe that I need (even though I know I don't) true Christians? Am I the only person out there who is completely fed up with money?

I don't know how much more of this nonsense I can take.
Sometimes being homeless seems like the only option to expanding my savings account.

Campus Jobs Pt. 2

It's the end of the semester and I can honestly say that I absolutely, positively LOVE my job. For the most part, everyone I talk to there is really nice and helpful. The job is easy, it's fun because everyday is a different job, and it's great experience.
God is so evident in my job, it's amazing. He keeps me awake for my 6 am shift... He keeps me content throughout the entire day, no matter what job I'm doing - clean or gross. There are so many wonderful people who work there with such diverse personalities. There is a wide variety of races, nationalities, and personalities.

Just a year ago, I was grossed out by the thought of working in a dining court for a university; but it's the best job I've ever held so far. I'm definitely not quitting and I pray that next semester, I will meet more amazing people and learn more new things there.

God's Will

Since I have become a Christian, God has brought me through a lot and taught me a wide variety of lessons. My discernment with His word may be lacking, even on a good day, but there are several decisions that I have made based on His calling. At this point in my life, I find it difficult to read my bible each night/morning and journal. I do pray, intentionally and continually, but indulging into the Lords word is not yet a habit for me. Two weeks ago, I was in Tennessee horseback riding on a Tuesday. I was extremely tired that morning from late-night activities, like usual and so while waiting for my tour guide to return and start my groups trail ride, I took a short nap in the car. My nap was more like resting, and my dreams were more like vision; ones in which God put in my mind. The vision that I remember clear as day was one of people (not necessarily people I knew) walking up to a giant throne and leaving gifts, then walking away casually with no words spoken. The throne, as you can imagine, was God's. The people were His believers. As soon as the vision was over,  God basically spoke to me: "Why is My answer requested from those who "visit" me but never come to stay?"
That quote can be taken many ways. The way God said those words to me were an answer to my prayer asking why I could not hear him. His response made perfect sense. Why should I expect God to answer me when I almost ignore him on a daily basis by not visiting Him through prayer, worship, and conversation on my own time. God made it clear to me that I could not simply go to church on Sunday, Purity Group, Community Group, and Bible Study and expect that to "count" as showing my love for Him.
But as I said, God really has taught me a lot in this short semester.
I'd gone from wanting Him to trying to impress Him and back to wanting him.
I'd gone from being law absorbing baby Christian to being judgmental, hypocritical, and a follower of a person [who is not Jesus Christ] because I thought this person was righteous and correct and perfect.
I'd gone from believing that my group was the only group who cared for their faith to being proven completely wrong.
I'd gone from feeling like a new person, to feeling like a fake Christian, to being born again through Baptism.
I'm not perfect and I no longer wish to be. I only wish to stop judging, feeling envious, and start controlling my emotions.

Seeing as how secular music was once an idol for me; since God has delivered me from that I can happily continue to worship him through Christian music; so in the words of Lecrae:
"He got me walkin' on the water when the winds blowin'.... and when the storms brewin'... and when the tides high. That's when I lean into the truth that I abide by..."

Campus Jobs

This month has been amazing! God has blessed me with my passport, excellent grades, great friends, health, and now a job! I applied for so many places and finally I got the job at a dining court that I always eat at. Now most people I tell this too automatically have to say "It's gonna suck." No persuasion allowed.
Not true.
Here's my take on it:
I can either have fun in college, do homework, get a job... or drop out, be homeless, and eat out of the garbage. That may seem extreme... but it seems like something I would deserve if I ever thought to complain about a job again. I've been praying for a job for a little while now and God blessed me with my last choice.
God isn't asking me to go free slaves in the desert [like Moses]... he just wants me to take this job.

So why would I ever dare to complain about being hired in a dining court when some people my age couldn't even afford college at all; especially the one I'm attending.

At this point in my life, I wouldn't mind cleaning toilets either. A job is a job and in order for me to continue my education at this place, go to Guatemala in May, and still have money for extra stuff, I'm going to need some form of income.

I asked God to humble me and he has been; slowly but definitely. I can't wait to start my job to prove my old self wrong; I'm gonna love this place, patience and understanding is key!